do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
