dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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