Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
