So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
