I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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