Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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