nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i believe in u and ur pee
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
