i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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