All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
