He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
