I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
