Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
