That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
