Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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