Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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