im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
