dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
