You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
