Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
