I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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