It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
