As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
