I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
