You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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