the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
