i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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