Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
