my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
