plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
