Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
