does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
