so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
