your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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