She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
