we have pet lesbian snakes
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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