Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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