i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize