Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
