a queef is a wish your heart makes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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