Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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