One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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