it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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