he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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