if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
