god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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