i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
