i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We need a shit load of segways right now
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
