They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
