I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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