OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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