I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
