How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
