I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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