"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my shit smells like andre
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
