A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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