can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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