Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
