Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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