barbara walters just said penis...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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